


Great Outcomes From Bad Planning

by Dkey



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 18:32:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dkey/pseuds/Dkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never ruin your matesprit's dinner-date. It won't end up well for anyone. Except maybe this one time...</p>
<p>Gratuitous Karkat/Jade smut with elements of both blackrom and redrom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Great Outcomes From Bad Planning

As you hang, pinned to the wall at the shoulders and lifted by the hands of your alien barkbeast girlfriend, you can't help but wonder if this night was a good idea.  Apparently it was supposed to be a special night of fine dining with a couple of good friends in the middle of the best restaurant in the entire universe you created. Instead it turned into a brawl of epic proportions not rivaled since the finer days of Alternian history.

And all this because of one simple fact:

You fucked up.

You fucked up hard.

Jade's glowing green eyes behind those massive round glasses have a seething hate in them, hatred for her ripped dress, hatred for her ruined dinner party, and even hatred for the fact that you two will never be welcomed back into that slaughterhouse hell-hole of a seafood restaurant.  Most of all however, she has a hatred for you, and she has no qualms in saying so.

"The fuck is wrong with you?!" she growls between the odd fit of snarling "I just wanted one night of fun with you and Dave and Terezi and you just HAD to ruin it by being such a major fucking ass!"

"I was completely justified in defending myself from that smug asshole's vicious barrage of vegetation," you reply "I can't help it if that idiot can't keep himself in line!"

"IT WAS ONE PEA KARKAT! AND HE WASN'T THE ONE THAT NEARLY GOT ARRESTED!"

Jade lets go of your right shoulder to pinch the bridge of her nose.  It's a habit she claims she developed only after dating you for a couple sweeps, but you know that's total horseshit since you've personally seen her do it since she was 6. It's a sign that's she's irrevocably frustrated and that you're in deep shit. That being said, while you're still stuck to the wall her gesture has freed your arm. You may know a way out of this, but you're going to have to keep her distracted while you pull it off...

"Maybe if you had backed me up instead of acting like such a fearful meowbeast I wouldn't have!"

Oh fuck. Maybe that wasn't the best aproa-

"YOU SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR AND YOU WENT AND PULLED THIS SHIT AND I'M SUPPOSED TO..."

Jade's hand slams down next to your shoulder  hard enough to dig into the paint and send a crack up the wall, leaving her towering over you as anger radiates off her like heat.

Perfect.

Slowly you begin to lift your arm and move your fingers upwards towards their final destination. She's too enthralled in her one sided conversation to notice your approach and only sees you're up to something when you make contact with her face.

"...AND WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU AND DAVE BEING FRIENDS?!  YOU EVEN SUGGESTED INVITI- wait, Karkat what are you..."

As you draw your finger tips down her cheek the coin drops in Jade's mind, but it's far too late and the familiar mantra once again leaves your lips.

"Shooh"

" Karkat stop it. You're-"

"Shoosooooh"

"Karkat if you don't stop I'm going to- f-fuck!"

"Shoooooooooooosh"

"KARKAT I SWEAR TO GOD STOP IT NOooow or I'll... I'll..."

Jade falls to the floor as her knees give way. Her cheeks are completely red as you bring your ferocious papping to an end.  You weren't completely sure that would work, you've never tried it on a human before, and some trolls have been less than responsive. Regardless, now that Harley is pacified it's time  to leave, so you quickly begin to scuttle out of the way and make your daring escape.

"Where the hell do you think you're going, fuckass?"

Jade snags your shirt and drags you down to eye  level. Her annoyingly adorable buck-toothed smile is the only thing you can see through the hair draped over most of her face. She mumbles something before letting you go and shoving you backwards onto the wall.

"For once in your life you're going to finish what you've started."

Before you can voice your confusion Harley has already thrown herself into your lap and locked her lips onto your own. Her tongue invades your mouth and begins frantically moving around inside. It's  almost off-putting how easily it finds your more sensitive areas and how nimbly she evades your pointy (albeit a bit nubby) teeth... almost.  Eventually she releases and gasps for air, granting you reprieve from the assault.

"What the fuck Jade?!"   you clamor to say before she once again presses your lips to yours and forcers her tongue back down your protein chute.  She only stops to once again catch her breath and reply to your question.

"I don't know what the fuck you did," She says while shimmying out of her dress, " but you did it, and you're going to pay for it."

"I just wanted to calm you down, I didn't know it was going to make you do this shit!"

 "Jesus Karkat, shut up."

One of her hands clamps over your mouth while the other takes one of yours and places it on her chest.  Her rumble-spheres are large, even by earth standards. Humans  have an obsession with them for some reason (even more so than a particular luminous troll you know) and as such you're a little suspicious that space powers might have been involved to get them to that size.  Either way, the real pressing matter is that you've just realized that she's not wearing a bra, or any other underwear for that matter. Wait. Has she been like that all night?!

Jade clears her throat to snap you back to your senses and shoots you a look.

"If you wouldn't mind..."

Fine. If that's the way she wants to play then you're game.  Uh... you will be if you can figure out what to do anyway.  Maybe... maybe touching her nipples? 

She shivers as you pass your thumb over the one of the pink nubs . Her spheres- no, her breasts, are incredibly soft and feel amazing as you cup them in your hands.  You... think you know what you're supposed to do now but in your current position it's a rather tall order. Time to take a card from Terezi.

You give Jade's palm a big lick in an attempt to get her to release her grip on your mouth.  Instead she just looks at you, smiles and gives you a similar slurp across the face.

Ah, right, raised by a dog. Fuck.

"Aren't you affectionate?" She taunts "But I'm guessing you just want me to let go?"

You avert your eyes and nod.

"Then be good. For real this time."

The second she retracts her hand you rush to her chest and furiously plant kisses onto her sternum.  It's enough to elicit a squeak from her that turns into a light moan as you kiss outwards and finally stop as you latch onto her breast. You alternate between rolling  along the edge  and teasing the very tip of her nipple with your tongue  while simultaneously using your thumb to brush over  the other. She begins panting and hitches her breath whenever you switch. 

"So this is what was digging into my thigh."

You look down as a sensation shoots up your spine. You've been so caught up in what you were doing you don't notice that she's unziped your pants and is now running your bulge through her fingers.

"S-stop that!" you manage to grunt while she continues to play with your bulge "The fuck do you think you're doing?!"

"Nothing..."

"That doesn't fucking look like nothing! Let go!"

"No, you got to use your blood powers when you did the shooshing thing. I'm gonna to do the spacey thing!"

"The hell you are! Let go before I gnaw your hand oooooooo-"

You start to feel light headed as a heat pools at your crotch and then suddenly dissipates.  It's disconcerting, although strangely arousing, but is soon replaced by a the sensation of your bulge wrapping around something that wriggles back. You look down and find Harley's tongue tangled in your appendage, unable to get herself free.

"Ok now what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"aaaugh aaauuuuh uuuuuh..."

"What?"

"aaaugh aaauuuuh uuuuuh!"

"Yeah, yeah. Good idea Jade. Hold still and I'll get you free."

It takes a bit of fiddling with your now seven inch tentacle before you're able to get her untangled. Her face is beat red as she pulls away. Apparently she had been trying to execute some sort of strange human sexual foreplay. Weirdo. You're still a kinda pissed off about the spacey thing though.

"Why did you even need to do that anyway?! It's not like your tiny bulge needs  something bigger to wrap around!"

"That's not... I don't...  that's not a bulge ..."

"The fuck are you babbling about? It's at the entrance to your nook! Of course it's a bulge!"

"It's my clit you idiot and nothing wraps aro- wait, nook? Does that mean you have a..."

"Of course I do! What sort of pailgargling freak doesn't have one?!"

"Ummm... human men?"

What.

Jade notices your confusion and changes the subject by suddenly grabbing the cuff of your pants and dragging you out of them before you can voice any objection. There's only a little kicking and screaming involved and soon enough you're completely disrobed. She sniffs your crotch  and takes in your musk before she eventually places her eyes on your nook. With her curiosity peaked Jade doesn't waste any time in poking at you. At first she just traces the outside while also avoiding being grasped by your bulge; it feels both arousing and soothing and for a time you wonder if she's just trying to put you to sleep. As soon as that thought crosses your mind however she dips a finger into you that causes you to shiver and curl your toes.  She's obviously done this before, and when her finger reaches the farthest it can go she crooks her finger and nearly sends you over when it hits your upper wall. But just before you can expel your genetic material  she removes her now sticky finger, gets up, and darts into the bedroom. After a couple moments she appears in front of you in a ball of green crackling light. In her hand is a small silver bullet shaped contraption.

"The hell is that thing?!" you say with some alarm as she draws closer to you with strange contraption in hand "Why the fuck do you even have that?!"

"It's a vibrator dumbass. Since it's been 3 years since we've been dating I've had to keep myself satisfied somehow. It's the smallest one I have too, but  it should be a good fit considering..."

"Considering what!? What do you mean a good fit?!"

"I mean for when I do..."

She  had been lining the thing up with your nook without you noticing and as the words leave her mouth she slides it in all at once, meeting little resistance as you're already slick with precum. It's not unpleasant, but it doesn't really do much for you as it's a bit cold and you don't know how to feel about the unfamiliar pressure.

"That!"

  You look at her unimpressed; but when you start to say something she grabs the base of the device and twists.

Holy shit.

Immediately the device begins moving inside you and brings the meaning of its name to the forefront of your thinkpan. As it vibrates waves of sensation and pleasure pulse through you. For once you're at a loss for words and the only thing that leaves your mouth is a stifled moan. Your bulge thrashes to and fro from the stimulation, desperately searching for something to grab onto. It finds it in a toe that Jade has extended to test the waters and immediately twists around it, only for Jade to immediately push it off with her other foot.

She just smiles and turns away from you before bending over and getting on all fours. She wiggles her ass in her air to get your attention, and for some reason it's the most welcome sight you've ever seen. When she looks back she's clearly signaling you to do something, and it only takes one word for you to realize what it is.

"In."

Oh god this is so fucked up.  Without hesitation you crawl your way over to her and line yourself up with her waiting nook. She's absolutely dripping with clear genetic material and radiates a heat that hits your bulge that only excites it further.  Without any input of yours it surges forward and dives straight into Jade's waiting deaths.

"Oh my god," she screams as the base of your nook slides in and out of her, sending ecstasy through you both, "why the hell haven't we done this before!?"

You wiggle vigorously inside her and react to her every movement as you force yourself deeper. The pressure that ripples around you seems to be intensified by the fact that you are not only moving on your own volition but also carrying the vibrations of the device inside your own nook as well.  She constricts around you as you hit certain spots with the tip of your bulge that just causes it to press back with a greater ferocity, driving her into a world of pleasure she'd never been in before. When you writhe within her you fill her in you fill some spots while emptying others, and in an instant they switch, driving her completely insane from the differing sensations.

As you continue thrusting into her moans and heavy panting leave Jade's mouth.  Her toes curl and her back arches whenever you push yourself slightly deeper then you thought possible from the last thrust.   Her arms give way and forces her elbows to the floor. She runs her fingers through her hair as she enveloped in the pleasure of it all. Still there's something wrong, and through the few braincells that you're able to devote to rational thought you have an idea what it might be.

You lunge forward and place your hand on Harley's head. Your fingers find hers and brush over them before moving on and find their true destination. They grasp onto the two white furry ears that protrude from her head and rub. She lets out whimpers and moans that alternate and meld into one sound as you massage the velvet protrusions between your fingers. Fuck that's hot, and you don't know why, but it's now that you implement your second part of your plan and curl your bulge downward.

Immediately Jade's walls ripple around you and she lets out a scream (that you could swear echoes throughout paradox space) before collapsing exhausted to the ground. At this you feel a pressure well up in your bulge and nook. 

Oh shit.

You begin to panic. Where the fuck are you gonna get a bucket oh god the fuck are you doing?! You know there's a pail in the cleaning closet and you're got to get it quick or else you're going to-

"N-n-no... inside..."

Jade's half lucid mumblings push you right over. Even if you did have the willpower to pull out you wouldn't have been able to and as a result you begin pumping your genetic material into her. She fills to the point that it begins leaking out from around your bulge and the machine that plugs your nook is pushed out by the wave red fluid originating from your orgasm.

Jade's habit of falling asleep in random locations seems to have reemerged as you hear snoring coming from her when you pull out. You're not sure how but she's even beautiful when she's lying in this disgusting mess. You can't decide if you should just let her lie there peacefully or pick her up and take her to the bed and get the sheets a complete mess. You decide on the second and kiss her on the forehead because you're a sentimental asshole. You'll join her soon enough, but you need to make a phone call first.

"Dave. Fuckin pick up you asslicker."

"Hey Karkat, how'd your hate date plan work out?"

"Not according to the fucking plan. Why didn't you tell me she was so fucking scary when she's that mad?!"

"Because it's funnier. Besides I thought you knew, it's only been, like what, 3 fuckin years?"

"Yeah, well both your stupid fuckin plans backfired. I tried to back out of it but I guess it also worked out better than I thought it would when I couldn't."

"Hah,  is that what Rose is talking about? That's hilarious!"

"What?!"

"Oh yeah, she stopped over and is on the phone with your... matesprite? Kismesis? Fuck I dunno, troll romance still freaks me out. Yeah, anyway you apparently talk in your sleep so Jade's been in on it for weeks."

"And you didn't fucking tell me!?"

"Fuck no, this shit's better than cable."

"You are the worst fucking best friend."

"Back at ya buddy, now I'm gonna go get the juicy details. See you later."

"DON'T YOU HANG UP ON ME STRIDER I STILL GOT SHIT TO-"

*click*

Dammit, that dog eared girl may be the best thing that's ever happened to you.  Maybe next week you'll eat at that place near the post office just to make her squirm.

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a "fic a week" challenge I'm taking to get ready for giftstuck because speed isn't my strong suit. Taken from a prompt for JadeKat from a friend (who wishes to remain anonymous). I think it came out pretty well, even if the comedy does break up the eroticism somewhat.


End file.
